The car read negative seven the other morning - T wasn't very happy with me - she just kept cranking and cranking in the cold weather.

The dashboard began to flash and freak out. And for a brief second, I didn't think she was going to start. The past few winters have been progressively worse on her, and I thought finally this would be the year I could keep her in the garage during the winter but that didn't happen. 

God bless the man I saw on the side of the road early that morning that appeared to be changing his tire in a wife-beater, shorts, and tongs. I was cold just seeing it!

Sometimes I’ll lie awake at night and listen to the sound of the clock. The motor ticks on endlessly. What an unsettling sound it is when you’ve yet to find peace - to find solace.

Sometimes no matter how exhausted my body is, no matter how tired my thoughts are, no matter how sore my brain and my heart are...even then I still can’t fall asleep.

Sometimes I wish for nothing more than to sleep. Please, allow me to slip away into the darkest corners of the world and let me be. Just let me sleep.

You can close your eyes to the surroundings, but you can’t close your ears off to the sound around it. And sometimes the things you wish the most not to hear - are the loudest. They will not go away in the night and be silenced.

Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya!

There are lessons that are meant to be learned in that moment. And then there is lessons that you are meant to hold onto, placing them in your back pocket.

I had a couple near misses this morning - near misses - the phrase itself makes me laugh because it is something that our safety department uses and now here, I am quoting the same phrase from my job LOL. How proud they would be.

I rounded a corner coming down a steep hill going to work this morning and in the middle of the decent were two baby deer's playing in the middle of the road. As soon as they spotted my headlights, they ran in separate directions to the sanctuary of the grass.

My initial instinct is probably what most of us do - slam on the brakes. Of course, the hill I was on was a sheet of black ice, so the car refused to stop. You know that ice...it has a mind of its own! But lucky for me since I was descending it, I could see if anyone was coming down the other side of the hill - which no one was. So, I kept inching my car to the middle of the road in case one of the little buggers got to the edge of the grass and decided to do a 360 on me. This way that would hopefully give them enough time and me to get past without colliding. Like any almost accident your hands and knees are left shaking. Your belly climbs to your throat. And you feel like you may have shat yourself.

By the time I reached maybe ten minutes down I had almost forgotten the incident and calmed down until that is Rudolph without his red nose came flying over the barrier of a highway. At this point I am like, "What is HAPPENING?" He hit the ground (fast lane) still bounding towards my car only to leap up in the air, soaring over the hood of my car. 

I have to be honest for a split second I did look around for...no... not another deer but for Santa's sled.

Why did they say the chicken crossed the road? To get to the other side. Yeah - well that's the same for the deer - they just always have their eyes on the prize which is getting to the other side. But I have to say they are evolving and getting smarter. The other day my father and I were driving and there was a deer and when she saw our car coming, she backed up into the grass (as if knowing the grass was the safe zone) and seemed like she was going to wait until we passed but instead, we slowed the car down and came to a stop and then once she recognized that - which was fairly quickly - she jogged across, right past the car.

So, you know how the saying goes - things happen in threes - I was sure that I would get my third four-legged friend today and when I did my near misses would turn into an actual hit. The good news is I ended up making it to work with no more deer run ins. Maybe the two babies and the doe counted as all three happenings.

In other news...

A colleague came to me yesterday and told me he had good news to tell me - to which I, in my current state - snorted in disbelief and asked what that could possibly be. He then proceeded to tell me that I inspired someone. It just so happened to be one of our outside contacts that we would call in for programming issues. Awhile back when I first met him my colleague had told him how I just self-published my first novel. Discovering this he admitted he too had been writing one - but took a break from it and there it sat unfinished. His dream was to complete it and get it published. To which I encouraged him to do so! He told me then that I inspired him to want to do so. 

And so that is the exact words my colleague repeated to me as he explained to me the conversation they had. He said that hearing my story inspired him to finish his and he did. It is due to come out in March. Congrats Derrick - enjoy this time!

If I didn't do anything else in my life but inspire others to fulfill their dreams - I am truly honored. 

Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya!

Entry 2

I pulled with all my might against the back-and-forth struggle. But I was growing tired. I could feel my energy level depleting. I knew I had one more chance - one more spark in me and so I took a deep breath and yanked my hand back as hard and as fast as I could. Hoping that catching them off guard with such force would make them would lose their grip or at least loosen it enough to pull from it. 

Miraculously it worked! My hand sprang from the grip and my body tumbled backwards on the floor. I landed hard on my elbows as I fell. Keeping my eyes on the mirror I continued to watch the glass ripple. Holding my breath, I waited to watch something, or someone step out from the glass, but nothing happened. Climbing to my feet I approached the mirror once more knowing well enough that I probably shouldn't. The voice inside my head was screaming at me to run out of my bedroom and yell for my parents but I couldn't do that. It was still way too early in the morning. I shouldn't be awake but not only that I shouldn't be dressed. They would catch me and know that I had snuck out yet again. My father warned me the last time he caught me doing that he would nail my window shut and I believed him. He was a no nonsense, no bluffing man. 

My only problem was that I was too curious. I couldn't not know what this was or what was on the other side. It was eating at me like a bug, like a virus, like a sickness. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath before shoving my whole my face through the rippling mirror. At first, I saw nothing just a dark metallic color that seemed to shine through my eyelids. Then without warning a bright light warmed my face and I heard the sweet sound of birds chirping off in the distance. Opening my eyes, I could see a vast landscape. Hillsides of perfectly green grass and the brightest flowers welcomed my vision.

"PLEASE! Help us!" I heard a small child's voice yell off to my right side. Turning to see the face of the voice brought me to a short girl with dark brown hair. She wore a long red dress that ran down to her ankles with an attached hood of the same color covering her head. Her shoes were black and had a single strap that ran over her foot, and I could see that she had white stockings on over feet. They were filthy as if she had been running through the dirt, only bits and pieces of white were displayed around it. She stood at the edge of a forest line waving her hands frantically at me. 

"What is your name?" I yelled over to her as I continued to step through the mirror so that my whole body was in one piece.

"My name real name is Rouge," she said with an accent! "But everyone butchers it. Just call me Rahead! What is your name?"

"My name is Betsey Sue Ellen McGregor, but you can call me Betsey! What is wrong Rahead? What is your problem?" I continued to yell to her. 

"That is QUITE a name Betsey Sue Ellen McGregor! Quite a mouthful! Does it mean something?" she said in with her accent. I had to listen carefully to try to catch her words as she spoke quickly, and it was mostly broken to me. "It's my grandma, she is ill you see, and she has fallen out of bed. I can't get her back up into it and I'm afraid she has broken something! Are you the one that was holding my hand through the traveler?"

"Oh, my that sounds terrible!" I said as I walked towards to her. "Holding YOUR hand? So, it was YOU who was pulling me through? WOW you are mighty strong for a child! Knowing that now...it is a wonder you aren't able to help your grandmother up!"

She immediately slammed her hands to her hips as a child would with an attitude. "I am NOT a child! AND WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? FOR YOUR INFORMATION outsider I am the STRONGEST one of my age in the land!"

I shuffled back in disbelief. "I'm sorry for offending you Rahead."

"Just help me ALREADY!" she said exaggerated by our discussion. I watched as she turned her back on me and headed into the woods.

I followed her quietly for what seemed like miles before we came across a path make of flat rocks leading up to a stone cottage with a straw roof. The front door was arched and was made entirely of handcrafted wood. In the center of the door was a carving that resembled an axe.

"Does this mean something to your grandmother?" I said, running my hand over the carving.

"My grandmother was attacked by a wild animal of sorts. He broke down the door and a man who was doing some logging saved her...and me really because I was there. I mean here, I was here. And so, this man who saved us - Axle was his name - he built cheap cottages around the land for the poor. He was the one who rebuilt my grandma's cottage after it was wrecked. In honor of what he did we asked him to carve his symbol on our door so that all who came would know he had been here - we were under his protection."

To be continued...  

Entry 1

They always laughed at me for having two middle names - two middle first names are what they called it. And although the teasing relentlessly kept on, they would never make me feel embarrassed about it. Both names were the names of my grandmothers. I knew very little about them and remember only brief accounts of my mother's mother as she died when I was very young. My father's mother died before I was born. He always tells me how she fought to stay alive until my birth - that was her only wish was to see me. And each and every time I get said when he recalls this memory - he simply reminds me that she did see me. She got her wish in the end. He always imagined her standing in the delivery room when I was born and staying with me in the nursery. Even though I never saw her I always felt her there somehow - a presence. I didn't know why but I just knew it was her. 

I drove out to that place tonight. The one I always swore I would never go to. The one I had fought many times before to drive to. Tonight, I did not feel as strong as all the other nights before this one. The Bridge of Gloriatha. Still to this day I never understood why anyone was afraid to go there. It was well past midnight when I arrived. The fog had gotten so thick I was forced to turn my high beams off just to see the smidgen that I did. Pulling off to the side of the bridge's entrance, I faced my car towards the broken fence that had tried its best to keep intruders out. 

The bridge had been shut down years ago. Father always told me it was like even when he was a child. Not that long ago the announcement had come that the bridge would be condemned. What a way to end a life. You spend years existing only to one day reach your end and someone else decides your purpose here is done. The weather looked cold from inside the car but upon exiting I found it was quite the opposite. There was a warmth in the air. Like receiving an invitation to a birthday party and it gives you that feeling. I don't even know what that feeling is because I've never been invited to one. I only know what I've heard others speak of during their experiences. It didn't sound like I missed out on much though.

Rotten wood creaked and cracked on every footstep. But still I continued - not even feeling the slightest bit of uneasy. Reaching the center, I hung over the barely existent railing to look down at the water below. It was black, muddy, nasty. There seemed to be no signs of life anywhere. Off to the side were decaying water lilies that had gotten caught in the overgrown banks. And straight down in the very front was a perfect line of cat tails. They seemed to be the only thing thriving here.

Not wanting to waste any more time I climbed up onto the rickety ledge to prepare for my best performance. I bent my knees like my instructor has always told me and positioned my arms. Closing my eyes, I took one deep breath before the jump.

"I think you should climb down from there little lady," a man's raspy voice whispered nearby, startling the soul out of me.      

"HUH? I thought no one came out here?" I said in a stutter.

"Well," he chuckled. "Only those that leave around here." He smiled at me with a grin that held no teeth and black gums. On his hands he wore dirty gloves that the fingertips had been cut off of. He wore a flat cap that matched the color of his fingernails and his jacket had been sewn several times. A single piece of straw bounced up and down in his mouth as he spoke.

"You LIVE here?" I asked astonished.

"Somebody has to! Who else do you think is going to scare them pesky law breakers?"

Stepping down carefully from the ledge I began to think twice about ending my life off of the eighty-five-foot bridge...tonight. I wanted to be alone. Completely alone. In total silence. With no one watching. Just alone. Tonight, would not be the night. It didn't bother me to think that again I would have to make the long drive out here a different night after sneaking out of the house. Some things just had to wait. 

"Changed your mind huh?" he said with a sideways smile as he pulled the straw out of his mouth to examine it.

"I beg your pardon?" I said as if to act like I didn't hear his stupid comment.

"About off-ting yourself...tonight is not the night Betsey..." He had his head cocked to the side as if I wasn't fooling him.

I could feel my pupils grow to fill my eyeball. "How do you know my..."

"I believe the word you are looking for is name. And your grandma told me DUH! Not Sue though - it was Ellen...or wait maybe it was Sue and NOT Ellen. AW HELL! I can't keep them all straight kid!" He threw the piece of straw back into his mouth.

I tried to keep my voice from sounding like I was frantic, but this man was either nuts or nuts! "Keep who all straight? And you knew my grandmothers?" 

"The voices. I can't keep them all straight. They cloud my mind that they do! Theres not enough space in here for all of them," he said as he knocked on the side of his head. "And I didn't knew your grandmothers - I KNOW them!"

"That doesn't make any sense..." I slowly began taking small steps to back away from him.

"Yeah, well maybe not! I never was good in English class. It never was my cup o'tea!" I watched as he scratched his temple under his hat before returning it to its original position. 

Swinging my arms through the air I said, "No, I mean because they are DEAD!" They have been for years!"

"Well, that's a bunch of rubbish! I was just talking to them last night - we had dinner together the three of us...and Alphie of course - can't forget about him!" With every step I took back he took forward - being sure to maintain the same distance between us.

"WHO is Alphie?" I asked to keep his distracted and in good spirits. I would play around with his little charades for now until I could get the car and grab ahold of my pepper spray.

"He just had a crush on her that's all! It's harmless! He's harmless!" He shrugged it off to assure me it was nothing.

"Who...what?" I asked confused about this whole situation. For a brief moment I had even forgotten why I came here in the first place.

"Hey...I uh think you should take a seat sweetie. You're turning a little white on me if you know what I mean." He reached out to grab my hand but his went right through mine.

"You're a GHOST?" I partly screamed into the night air.

To this he busted out laughing. "Of course, I am! How do you think I know your grandmothers so well, silly!"

Running towards the car I did not attempt to look back to see if he was following. When I got inside I locked the doors out of habit while quietly laughing to myself that he could probably just walk right in and enter the car if he wanted. Who would stop him? But to my surprise he was still standing where I left him. Yelling that it was nice to meet me and to have a safe trip home.

"I'm Jeffrey Jack Jones by the way! But they call me JJ - that's two J's because three wouldn't make sense." He continued to crack himself up as I tried several times to start the car. "And I'll tell your grandmas you said hi. OH! By the way they told me to tell you great job on that calc exam! Very impressive!"

As I drove away, I watched JJ in the mirror until he suddenly dissolved into air - disappearing from my sight forever. Arriving home, I was thankful. I practically ran to my room and dove under the covers fully clothed. But something glowing caught my eye beneath the covers. My mirror - it was glowing a soft turquoise color. I cautiously approached it in amazement at its glow. And when I became within a foot of it, the mirror began to ripple like water. Putting my hand to the moving glass it disappeared inside but I felt nothing. Not a warm temperature or a cold one, it just felt normal. 

Before I could pull it back out something grabbed me by the hand yanking me as hard as it could to try to get me the whole way through. I fought as hard as I could. Pushing against the mirrors frame to hold myself from getting sucked in. I squeezed until my fingertips hurt from being dug into the wood surrounding the mirror. I could feel my cuticles bleeding, my nails bending - a tear rolled down my face as I wished the pain would just end. And then all of a sudden it ended...

What do you think happened readers?

Do you think Betsey got sucked in or do you think whatever it was let her go?

Hmm... :)

Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya! 

I was driving into work today in the early morning hours as usual when I saw a flash of orange in the sky.

The bright color lit up the clouds enough for me to see their shapes even through the darkness surrounding them.

It was then that I got to thinking what if that light was an alien spaceship?

What if the more I continued towards it the farther into it I was really going until I was engulfed inside of it without knowing?

What if when I got to the center a beam came down on me - like in the movies when they reenact the abducted scene - taking both me and the car away...far away from here.

To a world I didn't even know existed.

What if I was gone for a century but when they returned me it had only been days, weeks, or months?

What if they never returned me and my family never knew what happened to me. 

It was simply I ceased to exist, and no one ever knew what happened to little old me. 

What if they had a device where you could see what your loved ones were doing in that very moment? Like a crystal ball of sorts but not a crystal ball...something else.

What if there was a television in the confining room, they put me in? A confining room that was nothing but a bright white color, smelling of chlorine or bleach until it choked you.

And in that room, there was nothing but a single bed with a single pillow covered in a single white sheet. The only other thing in the room was a television.

As you turned the channels you quickly realize that each one is a different family member of yours. Your mother cooking breakfast, your father making coffee, your sister combing her hair, your brother sleeping in. 

What if you could see them but they couldn't see you? Would that be better or worse?

What if when the one day they "allowed" you to travel back home you were invisible?

You walked among your friends, bosses, parents, and no one could see you.

They passed right through you as if you were a ghost.

And the closest you ever got to them was when they spoke of walking through a chill, or a cold spell filling the room, or the goosebumps on their arms. What if that was the closest you came to them ever again?

What that be enough - just to see them one more time?

This is the thought that played in my head for the remaining thirty minutes of my drive into work this morning - I thought I would share it with you.

I don't know if I'll ever make anything out of this - novel wise - but who knows - stranger things have surprised me. 

Keep your creative juices flowing as you drive to work :) that is where some of my best ideas have come from.

Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya!

Wishful Thinking

I wish I could sleep at night
I wish my mind would go blank when I hold my pillow tight
I wish I could put locks on certain dreams to never play
I wish I could pick from a selection in my mind what I wanted to see
I wish I never thought of things that my heart wished not to remember
I wish I could rewind the clock back 
I wish I could rewind it back as far as it would go
I wish I could even if it meant it broke

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

I heard the name today when I went in
It never usually bothered me before but now it does
Maybe it was because they have been so delicate to say it around me
But today there was a sting in my head, a hurting in my heart
I had to say the "h" word today...better than using the name I guess
But both of which are hard and neither one was either for me than the other
It was a tough thing subject to swallow
I could barely get the lump down as I exited the door
I didn't feel the cold when I went outside today
Probably because my body is already cold
My bones filled with a chill
And so, neither the wind, nor the snow could bother me even the slightest

Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya!

I keep looking for someone running a snowmachine outside because I can't believe my eyes how much snow is in the air and on the ground right now.

I don't remember the last time I saw this much snow. 

But oh, how I do love seeing the trees covered in white! 

So beautiful!

Speaking of storms...if you haven't watched the movie "The Impossible" starring Naomi Watts, Tom Holland, and Ewan McGregor - I would definitely recommend it BUT have a tissue box nearby it's pretty wild. It is based on the true story of a family's vacation as they get caught in the 2004 tsunami in Thailand. 

It's a really good movie and it was on free on "on demand."

Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya! 

THREE TIMES YESTERDAY - I JUST CAN'T, I LITERALLY CAN'T!

I'm sorry readers - I know it has been a while - this week was so darn hectic and full of activities. WOW! I hope you had a good week though - I hear we are getting a snowstorm so be careful out there :) I super-duper excited about it though! I'd be cool with being snowed in tbh! :)

On the other side:  

I guess with each day you learn new things

But these quotes that I've been seeing lately are killing me && I just figured I would share them for anyone reading this with a wounded heart - we are in this together, don't forget that && don't mind the commentary - opinions are like assholes and apparently everybody has one:

"Don't give part time people a full-time position in your life. If someone treats you like an option, narrow their choice by removing yourself from the equation. Know your worth and never settle for less."

^^ If only my closed eyes would've seen - maybe then I would've been smart enough to leave.

"When a man comes into your life and loves you correctly, he's not going to do things behind your back, no half-commitment, no going silent, no inconsistency. He's going to put his undivided attention on you and realize that he has everything he wants right in right of him."

^^ Now that's an eye opener.

"Have you ever been so disappointed in someone that you forgive them and don't say anything but, in your head, you detach from them completely because you know you can never trust them again."

^^ I hate familiar stories where are the love stories at?

"Truth. Marriage is not all about a beautiful wedding, a fancy home, cute kids, nice cars, and a white picket fences. Marriage is working long hours, fighting through struggles, paying bills, keeping the faith, and staying strong together through it all."

^^ Been there. Done that. Did that. And it still didn't work. Why try again when the concept itself seems to be a failure?​

"She's dangerous because she knows what it's like to fall and get back up a thousand times. Rock bottom knows her name, and the only person who saved her, is her. She is not afraid of breaking."

^^ We know what it takes when we've been through it before.

Ohhhh && if anyone likes the movie "The Hunt" or "Ready or Not" I would recommend "The Russian Bride" but don't watch it with a child around the beginning is a bit...shall we say adult only explicit.

It would be so cool to live a castle! I'm sure it would be far too big and cold but still cool!! 

Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya!

Thank you for being a long movie!

I do love a longgggg movie!

&& this one looks to be 144 mins :) I'm good with that!

Standing still
But the room is moving
My arms are weak
And my legs are disapproving

My stomach is sick
It's hard to breathe
I can barely walk
Like a volcano I could upheave

I hate to admit
The way that I feel
When I tried to eat my lunch
The struggle got real

The Queen of Hearts (kindle edition) was trending at #24 today in the best sellers list - that is all because of you - thank you so much!

Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya!

Good evening readers!

First off:

You never remember how it feels to burn your arm on an oven rack - until you burn your arm on an oven rack

How quickly the burn comes and then it bubbles and turns red then it starts to itch

YUCK!

Also, I saw this on my newsfeed today and think it is awesome:

A giant sea-dragon fossil was discovered in the UK!

The researchers are claiming it is very well preserved!

​They have discovered the ancient creature to be an ichthyosaur

When they uncovered the full fossil, it was almost 33 ft long

They are saying it is approximately 180 million years old

The skull itself it 6.5 feet long

This is absolutely fascinating - when I was younger, I used to be obsessed with dinosaurs - thanks Jurassic Park! :)

And I always thought it would be so cool to be a paleontologist!

Read the full article and view the picture from the link provided below:

Ancient giant "sea dragon" fossil discovered in U.K. (msn.com)

God Bless those victims and survivors that were in the burning building in The Bronx New York! Just horrible - absolutely horrible what has happened there! You are in my thoughts, prayers, and in my heart.

RIP - Bob Saget - you and your family are in our prayers! 

Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya!