Today while I was sitting in traffic I saw a predator. 

In the size of a bird.

At first I wasn't sure if it was a falcon or a hawk but upon more research I found it was a falcon.

I watched as it swooped down with precision to snatch what it was hunting.

At my angle it was hard to tell if the prey was dead or alive.

But it was something you couldn't away from to see it fly away before it settled in a tall tree branch to eat.

The sun illuminating the feathers as it glided through the sky. 

In that moment I thought as easy as I believed it was to be a bird, I am now finding that their life is not quite what it seemed.

They have to hunt for their food daily and find a dry warm place to sleep.

Everyday is a struggle. 

Some things are not what they seem.

Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya!

"A thousand times we die in one life. We crumble, break and tear apart until the layers of illusion are burned away and all that is left, is the truth of who and what we really are." - Teal Scott

"Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve." - Earl Grollman

"Goodbyes hurt the most, when the story was not finished." - Unknown

"Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." - Vicki Harrison

"You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness." - Jonathan Safran Foer

"Sometimes it's not the person you miss, but the feelings and moments you had when you were with them." - Unknown

"It's in the darkest moments that we find our greatest strengths." - Steven Aitchison

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together." - Unknown

"When you're happy you enjoy the music, but when you're sad you understand the lyrics." - Frank Ocean

"You gave me wings to fly, then took away my sky." - Unknown

"It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew." - Henry Rollins

"Start over, my darling. Be brave enough to find the life you want and courageous enough to chase it. Then start over and love yourself the way you were always meant to." - Madalyn Beck

Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya!

"In the end, they both lost...he lost a woman that would've never given up on him and she lost the woman she was before he broke her heart." - Unknown

^^It's almost like those words were written for me

"One day someone's gonna come into your life...and they're gonna love every single atom of your being. They're gonna adore every little thing about you. The way that you eat. The way that you smell. The way that you put your cold toes on them in bed when they're nice and toasty. And it's gonna make so much sense why it never worked with anyone else." - Unknown

"I had to make you uncomfortable. Otherwise you would have never moved." - God

"Sometimes the two people who are meant for each other will have to face some of the greatest tests in order to be together." - Unknown (Yeah but what they don't tell you is just when you think you're the strongest from going through whatever those challenges are, sometimes you still don't make it in the end - read the fine print*)

"Your presence never meant anything to them, if your absence doesn't bother them." - Unknown

Someone said their mentor told them this one: "Showing your emotions to people is like bleeding next to a shark." I feel that for sure and that's a pretty good way of summarizing it but in life (on land) there are good sharks and bad ones. But I'm sure in the ocean they aren't all bad either.

"Love isn't soft, like those poets say. Love has teeth which bite and the wounds never close." - Stephen King

​Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya! 

"People talk about caterpillars becoming butterflies as though they just go into a cocoon, slap on wings, and are good to go. Caterpillars have to dissolve into a disgusting pile of goo to become butterflies. So if you're a mess wrapped up in blankets right now, keep going." - Jennifer Wright

Like so many others out there - when I was a child all I wanted to be was an adult. 

To drive my own car, make my own money, have my own job - but I didn't realize all the strings that come with being an adult.

There are a lot of positive sure, but there are a lot of negatives too. And when you're little and you're innocent you don't know any better than to just see the positive. Which is how is should be for a child, they should be able to enjoy their childhood and not have to worry.

Can we rewind the clock?

Someone once asked me if we rewound the clock would you want to keep your memories or have them erased? In that moment I would've wanted them to be erased but thinking now that means I would have forgotten everything. All of the good memories too. Or the times when I didn't know better and I could have spoken up to help someone or save someone. 

I already know that I won't get married again.

I already know that I won't be getting engaged again because to do that is to lead to false hope that in the future there might be something more.

Or something might happen or I might change my mind.

I imagine some of you might be reading this and snickering, rolling your eyes saying, "dramatic" or thinking that's just how you're feeling "right now"

No thank you - I've made my decision and when I do that - I stick to it

I'm not going to put my heart through this again - I won't - why would I? All because "they" say if you don't put your heart out there and "maybe" get hurt then you'll never know what's out there - or you might miss your boat?

Trust me - I'm cool with missing it. If what I have to offer isn't good enough then you're not the right one and you don't deserve my love and attention.

But not on the 50/50 chance that the next one won't come home and tell me they want a divorce and then I'll be left to relive this nightmare all over again - that's not a good enough reason to try again and "put a ring on it."

Someone used the word "betrayal" with me yesterday - they described it to me as the betrayal of someone who was your closest friend and most trusted person. The fact that two people grow in friends and fondless before they are anything and then even in the relationship there was not enough respect to have a conversation about what was really going on, to describe how they really felt, there was no discussion behind "here are the things that are bothering me" or "we need to work through x y and z" or what can we do about "blank" - just goes to show you that as much as you communicate with your partner, like everything else it can always be better - always be improved upon. There are hairline cracks present, even if you can't see them. And that's why it's so important to speak up about even the smallest things so that they don't fester. 

Sorry about that rant back my previous topic of no-marriage and no-engagement

And yeah they may tell me the chances of this happening are low but you don't know that - you can't promise me that and I'm not going to take the chance again

Maybe some of you are stronger than me or more believers than me and I applaud you for that - I wish I could be sometimes - but that's not me

I was told we'd be together forever like it was religion (and if you know exactly what that sentence means, it's not an exaggeration) like it was the words written in the Bible and I believed that with every fiber of my being - I felt that in my soul - the amount of times it was said it should've been read on my skin like a scar, etched into it like a tattoo, because that's what it was in my brain - on my brain, drilled into it until you believe it so much that you know there is no other way - no other person - this is it.

I'm not going to drop my heart from the tallest building on a hunch or on a whim that this won't happen again.

So no - I'm not going to take the chance, take the fall, take the jump, leave it up to a leap of faith on a feeling that this may or may not be a record playing on repeat.

I only ever wanted to get married one time. I wanted to be a life-er and yeah if it didn't work out then so be it but I meant the oath and the vow and the words I said before God - they were special, they were scared, they were...

were

I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself to have to go through this (and God Bless you that have done it once already, twice, three times etc.)

Back in the day this wasn't a thing - you worked it out - divorce wasn't the easy out or the first option or an option at all for that matter

And I think out of this whole thing that's what hurt the most is I wanted to do this right - if I didn't get anything else right in my life - I held onto that day, that moment, the life a two would share together "forever" (but even then I forgot forever don't exist - in only lives in fairytales which can be found only within the pages of a book)

This was something I wanted to get right and just like that it was here and gone

POOF

Like a penguin I was a mate for life and that's hard to come by - someone who still lives by the olden days - an old soul

At least now I know I'm going to make sure it's laid out clearly to the next person that I won't be getting married again or engaged so if that's what you're looking for then please keep moving along - no biggie - because that's not me, anymore - that's not what I want anymore - there is no future with me - anything more than that is non-existent

It's a dream, a fantasy

I'm sorry I've always put them before any of my needs, always. And it's time that I just think about my own needs - and this is my own need. And sure, you can still break up, you can still have heartbreak without a ring - but it's a little less complicated, a little less messy than a divorce. And you're certainly not making another promise to God that you just won't keep.

A colleague told me that he hopes I don't turn into one of those women who discover they don't need or want a man around. Completely striking them out of my existence. I always liked being independent, being on my own. I never had a problem being alone. I just never felt like I needed someone. Maybe part of that stems from being an only child. You didn't have another sibling there at night to rely on. It probably helped make me stronger to stand by myself because in the real world when I have to do that, I already know how to. It's something I'm already accustomed to.

Another one told me I'm too much of the whole package to go to waste! HAAAAA! To that I just simply shook my head and laughed. Little do they know I already picture my little life on my own and I don't picture or want anyone else in it honestly. Again they say, "ehh that might be a feeling you have right now, it'll pass." Personally I think it's too much to look forward to, to change it in anyway. Or not give it the full potential of exactly what I want.

I guess the lesson here is when you're going through a breakup or a separation - look to future, see what you want and hold onto it. Keep that vision with you always. And on your worst days pull it out and remind yourself of where you want to go and what you want to do. And on your best days give it a second glance just to put a little smile on your face and an extra pep in your step.

​Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya!

Ohhhh I'd say it's been quite a day over here folks - but THAT would be an understatement:

I got lost today and not just in the literal term

I got lost physically and emotionally

For a brief moment I lost myself even - questioning if I would make it home

Could I physically drive home?

I don't know.

But it's a miracle that I made it on my own.

And you better believe I thanked God for helping me.

I read a quote that said the following: "It's okay to be disappointed that someone didn't turn out to be the person that you needed. But what you mustn't do is grieve as though they were the one." - Matthew Hussy

Geez oh man, that cuts deep. Like a blade of a knife inserting itself through my skin.

But I have to wonder was it bad luck when I broke that mirror on accident?

What about when I walked under that ladder?

How about when the black cat crossed my legs?

Do you believe in superstitions? 

Should we?

All I knew back then was that..."I really wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly. Until I understood you didn't want it to be me." - d.c.

The most pathetic feeling you can have is when you get into a fight with someone because you wanted to express what made you upset, but instead of them apologizing, they found a way to make you feel bad about what is bothering you. I always gave into what I wasn't comfortable with but somehow there was a lack of that in return.

I don't like being right...but one thing I hated being right on was when I truly found out that I did love more than what I was receiving - and if you haven't experienced that - it's something you can't even imagine. It's painful and it sucks.

Love is more than words it's actions, it's being present, it's making an effort, it's affection. But as the months slide away so do my memories of either a, b, c, or d.

"Today if you do nothing else at all, at least take a moment to stand tall. Take a deep breath. Put your hand on your chest. Feel your heartbeat. Feel the air move through your lungs. You are beautifully alive. You are needed here so much." - Jennae Cecelia

I couldn't have given more love than I did, more thoughtfulness, more care, couldn't have made you feel more special and that speaks volumes to me now.

IKBNTTWOFTWISC

Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya!

Do you ever open the windows on a cool day just to smell the outdoors? Even if it sends a chill through your bones.

Do your ever stop and think about your future? What you want it to look like, what you want to do next in life.

Do you ever just listen to the birds chirping or the calmness that comes from the running of water?

Do you ever just close your eyes sitting outside and hear the sounds around you? 

Do you ever feel peace?

Do you ever smell the rain just before it hits your cheek?

Do you ever leave in the morning just to drive you car around all day - never to return until night?

Do you ever feel the bark of a tree or the softness of a leaf?

Do you ever smell a pinecone or watch a butterfly?

Do you ever wish the clouds would separate just so you could catch a glimpse of the sun?

Do you ever get scared when you're driving and lightning and thunder strikes close to you?

Do you ever stand in the breeze and watch the branches dance?

Do you ever stand outside just to smell a campfire or food on a grill?

Do you ever cover your ears to the sound of fireworks?

Do you ever wish you could fast-forward time? Not thinking of all that you might miss out on when you mess with the clock. 

Do you ever?

Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya! 

"And when the sun finally did come out...it was beautiful."

Those words I found myself repeating as I walked back to my desk yesterday.

For the first time in a long time, I was content with myself and what I had done throughout the day.

I wouldn't say I felt good about myself, but I wouldn't say I felt like shit either. I just didn't feel "bad" and it was an accomplishment to just feel..."normal."

And even though every day is a new day with new challenges to face at least I can say I had a day where I saw the sun and it was beautiful. And to means what that means is I saw my future. I saw my potential, my next steps, my life ahead of me.

Ever since I was a GM I've always said it's the little things you do for people that stand out and that they appreciate even if they don't say anything right away.

That little attention detail, that extra step, that surprise when they aren't expecting it.

I took a different approach yesterday - a "managerial" one if you will, which isn't my job now - I listened, I heard, and I reacted to the employees around me. And honestly I feel like I did a good thing for about four of the people I worked with.

And as much as I could tell they were happy about it - that made me feel good again. To give back and to help. To perform a small action silently saying, "your wants or needs are important."

I'm sure it felt good for them to be listened to and heard - really heard not just heard and then brushed off - heard to the point where actions were put into place and then completed.

I thought that would be the highlight of my day but actually that was just the beginning when I held my meeting to reenergize a dying topic it went great. I had mt agenda with who I wanted to speak about what as well as when I would speak and about what. And it was great - it was organized and just flowed effortlessly, and I can't really say we had an hiccups at all. We actually finished the meeting right on time too and with no side bar conversations. Everyone was engaged and the energy was great. 

I decided when the meeting started that there are just certain things that I don't particularly care about in this moment and that is saying what I want to, when I want to. Not holding it in for fear of...well you know what I mean - everyone has experienced that once or twice.

So, I took a deep breath and stood in front of the room when I was speaking. I appreciated that we made this team into our safe zone - that we can say our opinions without being interrupted or talked over - without someone disregarding what we had to say. The cutoff for not being agreed with.  

I thanked them for allowing me to feel like in this room we are a team, and we are safe to speak our opinions. 

I also sent out some recognition emails later on when I still hadn't come down from the high yet.

Hopefully it always stays like and with the group we have, I have no doubts. But they are silently helping me with something too - they are accepting me and allowing me to practice public speaking about issues and I'll be forever grateful once I feel more confident doing that. 

I'm sorry - I don't mean to go on a rant about my day it's just that anymore so little of them are "good" for me. And it's not that they are bad by any means I just consider them "good."  

I hope you guys had good days this week - stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya!

When your iPod shuffles you only to pull you back for a brief minute and suddenly you're relating.

I remember years ago

Someone told me I should take

Caution when it comes to love - I did, I did.

My illusion, my mistake - I was careless, I forgot - I did.

And now when all is done, there is nothing to say.

You've gone and so effortlessly.

Broken trust and broken hearts - I know, I know.

Thinking all you need is there.

Building faith on love and words.

Empty promises will wear - I know.

It was what I hoped would be impossible.


In other news


How about some new quotes?


"How different would we treat people if they were stamped with an expiration date? Who would we savor every minute of, and who would we let go to waste?" - Jennae Cecelia

"At the end of the day all you are left with is you. Do you love that person? Do you tell them you do? What a hard life it will be if you are enemies with someone you cannot leave." - Jennae Cecelia

I read this from another author about something her therapist told her, "Someone who's emotionally unavailable can make someone who's emotionally available feel their basic needs are too much." She said these are words that she would never forget.

"Those who don't know the true value of loyalty can never appreciate the cost of betrayal." - Anonymous

"Whenever you catch yourself missing someone in your life, you should remind yourself that them not being in your life is a consistent choice they make every. single. day. They wake up and choose silence and are indifferent to how far ya'll apart. That, in itself, is the most powerful form of closure." - Anonymous 

"Mother, I have pasts inside me I did not bury properly. Some nights, your daughter tears herself apart yet heals in the morning." - ljeoma Umebinyuo

"What a funny little thing, this heart. On some days, I feared that it would stop. On other days, I was terrified that it wouldn't." - Propti

"I was like the patient who cannot explain to the doctor where it hurts, only that it does." - Khaled Hosseini

"You prioritized them even when they treated you like an option. You kept making excuses for their behavior and lack of affection. You started feeling exhausted and lost in the relationship. You still gave them another chance and you tried to make it work. But the unwillingness during the chances became a cycle of empty promises." - Anonymous

Bob Marley once said, "If she's amazing it won't be easy, but if it is easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it then you won't give up. And if you do give up, then you're not worthy. Truth is everybody's gonna hurt you one way or another - you just have to find the ones worth fighting for. Remember that."

"I lost my emotional attachment to him, without it he's so ordinary. It was my love, my energy and effort, that made him seem so special. It was always a toxic cycle, but each time I became less and less infatuated with the version of him I had created. It was nothing more than a vision." - Anonymous

"You know I don't necessarily regret you but damn sometimes I wish I had walked away from the start and just left things at hello." - Anonymous

"The best gift you gave me was a new perspective. Because before you, my biggest fear was being alone...after you, my biggest fear is settling." - Anonymous

"Trust me; she's not mad you didn't want her. She's just mad cuz you acted like you did one day, and the next day you acted like she was nothing." - Anonymous

Psychology fact - when a woman is used to getting hurt she won't know how to act when a man starts to appreciate her.

"There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book." - Josh J

"Some people don't really love you - they just love you because you love them, now read that again." - Anonymous

Dangggg - some of these writers know how to impact with their words - this must be the stage the separated talk about when you go from shock to sadness to anger - but I don't feel anger. The shock passed me, the sadness rolled over, and the anger? The anger is instead indifferent - disappointed would be a better word. I am disappointed. Disappointed in myself really, that I allowed myself to open enough to be let down. 

For anyone out there that doesn't have a mother, I share this with you:

"To my beautiful daughter - if I could only give you one thing in this life, I would give you the ability to see yourself how I see you every single day. Your beauty, your kindness, how happy you make me & how proud I am of you. Perhaps then you would be able to understand just how special you are to me."

"To my daughter - never forget how much I love you as you grow older. You will face many challenges in life, just do your best. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain. Every day may not be good but find something good in every day. Laugh, love, live - follow your dreams, believe in yourself. And remember to be awesome. I'll always be with you. Love Mom."

Stay warm out there today - it's a chilly one - the kind where you feel your nose hairs freeze! LOL!

Stay safe && always, I appreciate ya!

I don't know why but this sounds like a cool title for a book ^^

The fog and the fox

So cute - maybe a children's book? A spooky children's book? Is that such a thing? Are there scary children's books out there? For the children who like to be scared. For the brave ones who think there is nothing living in their closets and the ones that have checked under their bed without the help of their parents. 

Kids today - some a braver and more fearless than we were back in the day.

I am currently reading a novel called "Fatal Throne: The wives of Henry VIII tell all" - Mama P would be so proud LOL so would Mr. Ferraro LOL. Usually I'm not into the historical type reads but when I started the beginning of it I couldn't not get it - we've almost been inseparable ever since. So interesting, the times back then. The women, the children, the men, the mistresses, the treasons. The word wild would be an understatement. 

It's a really good book, really sad - I feel most strongly for Catherine because she really loved him and she had a miscarriage early on and then when she finally did have their son Henry made her leave him behind for the nurses to care for so that she could be present in a celebration being thrown for her - she didn't want to leave the newborn but Henry insisted and would not take no for answer - he wanted her at his side and saw no reason for her not to go especially since it was a party in her honor. So she couldn't not be there - but during the celebration they learn that their newborn caught a cold and passed away. It was horrible. They were never the same after that. It tore me apart. 

The fog and the fox came yesterday both when I was driving to work and driving home.

The fog was so thick it almost didn't seem real. Like when the high-beams only make it worse. And you can barely see the tail lights in front of you even though you feel like you're right on top of the car. It stretched on for miles and miles, almost endlessly in both directions. If I wouldn't know any better I would've swore it would be a time for monsters - werewolves and vampires. Or maybe aliens coming down from the sky in their spaceships. It was eerily creepy. The kind of feeling when you want to lock your car doors even though your driving. 

As for the red fox he was crossing the road. Coming down off a hill from a community of houses and crossing the street to get to the grassland on the other side. Me driving didn't phase him at all. He simply watched my car and continued trotting across the road - keeping his same speed. He didn't seem to understand that a four wheeled vehicle could run him over and end his life. In this case he either still believed he was the predator or had rabies and therefore felt unaffected by what was going on around him since he wasn't in his straight mind. He was smiling at me like a sick grin showing all of his teeth - taunting me, warning me. I didn't see any saliva dripping from his mouth but something was off about him.

He reminded me much of the fox in the Gingerbread man story - the original one - where the Gingerbread man rides his back as they cross the water. 

He was a beautiful surprising site to see but at the same time I was thankful for not being outside the car, alone with him. 

The lesson here folks is even if someone is on the trunk of your car during a fog-out - maintain the speed the feels comfortable to you. Afterall they won't be the one paying your accident bill if you rear-end someone who can't stop or runs into problems. And the other lesson is always keep a lookout for animals out during the day. Your human instinct knows when something is watching you. And you also have a basic knowledge of what kind of animals you see during the day and what usually only come out at night. Keep your eyes peeled and don't ever approach a wild animal or get down to it's level thinking that it'll help them feel less threatened. Animals carry rabies often and when those types of animals attack they can't help it and they will - they are sick and not in their right mind. 

Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya!

Hey everyone!

Can you believe I've been blogging on my own website for a year now? That's right this March marks one year! That's crazy!

Thank you so much for sticking with me and continuing to travel through my site - I really appreciate it!

I'll tell ya - time just flies by...and a lot can happen in a year. 

A lot can happen in a month.

(clearing my throat before inserting the whistling part)

I wanted to share this thought with you, I recently posted this online as one of my new quotes to share with everyone:

"There are some lessons in life you can't teach, you must simply learn on your own. This is one of those times."

In other news...

The storm inside my head rages on and so does the sequel to Unforeseen! Its really been taking a turn lately, I gotta tell ya!

So the current update is I'm working on chapter 16 - 164 pages - approximately 34,000 words - PHEW Nelly!

My ultimate goal is to make it is the same as Unforeseen in the way of 25 chapters and a little over 50,000 words. Since I'm following that...we are close.

I hope everyone enjoyed the beautiful weather we had yesterday - I know I did - holy moly!! 

Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya!