I wish I could’ve called it closure

In that moment I don’t know what I was expecting to find. But I fought against my better judgement.

I didn’t once think of the repercussions - the consequences of such a stupid, worthless action - if it went sideways or not the way I was hoping for. But I don’t know what I was hoping for and maybe it was because I didn’t know what to expect. And because I didn’t know what I should be expecting I didn’t know what to hope for. That probably doesn’t make any sense but in my mind it does.

But what if it didn’t go the way it went? Would I have been crushed even more? Would my conscience have said, “I warned you and you didn’t listen.” Would I have beaten myself up again inside until I was black and blue just so that I learn my lesson? It wouldn’t help anyway.

The end was that I did get a sliver of what I needed and whether it helps or not - whether it was right or wrong - whether I should have or shouldn’t have - right now, in this moment - I am at peace.

And you know what that feels like.

Peace.

When it falls over you like rain.

It soaks you down to the skin and maybe your skin does even open it’s pores to absorb some of it.

However, no matter how it felt in that moment I should never do it again. Because the next time I might not get so lucky and then that’ll be the most recent piece I’m left to live with.

Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya!