Strangers with memories

"People talk about caterpillars becoming butterflies as though they just go into a cocoon, slap on wings, and are good to go. Caterpillars have to dissolve into a disgusting pile of goo to become butterflies. So if you're a mess wrapped up in blankets right now, keep going." - Jennifer Wright

Like so many others out there - when I was a child all I wanted to be was an adult. 

To drive my own car, make my own money, have my own job - but I didn't realize all the strings that come with being an adult.

There are a lot of positive sure, but there are a lot of negatives too. And when you're little and you're innocent you don't know any better than to just see the positive. Which is how is should be for a child, they should be able to enjoy their childhood and not have to worry.

Can we rewind the clock?

Someone once asked me if we rewound the clock would you want to keep your memories or have them erased? In that moment I would've wanted them to be erased but thinking now that means I would have forgotten everything. All of the good memories too. Or the times when I didn't know better and I could have spoken up to help someone or save someone. 

I already know that I won't get married again.

I already know that I won't be getting engaged again because to do that is to lead to false hope that in the future there might be something more.

Or something might happen or I might change my mind.

I imagine some of you might be reading this and snickering, rolling your eyes saying, "dramatic" or thinking that's just how you're feeling "right now"

No thank you - I've made my decision and when I do that - I stick to it

I'm not going to put my heart through this again - I won't - why would I? All because "they" say if you don't put your heart out there and "maybe" get hurt then you'll never know what's out there - or you might miss your boat?

Trust me - I'm cool with missing it. If what I have to offer isn't good enough then you're not the right one and you don't deserve my love and attention.

But not on the 50/50 chance that the next one won't come home and tell me they want a divorce and then I'll be left to relive this nightmare all over again - that's not a good enough reason to try again and "put a ring on it."

Someone used the word "betrayal" with me yesterday - they described it to me as the betrayal of someone who was your closest friend and most trusted person. The fact that two people grow in friends and fondless before they are anything and then even in the relationship there was not enough respect to have a conversation about what was really going on, to describe how they really felt, there was no discussion behind "here are the things that are bothering me" or "we need to work through x y and z" or what can we do about "blank" - just goes to show you that as much as you communicate with your partner, like everything else it can always be better - always be improved upon. There are hairline cracks present, even if you can't see them. And that's why it's so important to speak up about even the smallest things so that they don't fester. 

Sorry about that rant back my previous topic of no-marriage and no-engagement

And yeah they may tell me the chances of this happening are low but you don't know that - you can't promise me that and I'm not going to take the chance again

Maybe some of you are stronger than me or more believers than me and I applaud you for that - I wish I could be sometimes - but that's not me

I was told we'd be together forever like it was religion (and if you know exactly what that sentence means, it's not an exaggeration) like it was the words written in the Bible and I believed that with every fiber of my being - I felt that in my soul - the amount of times it was said it should've been read on my skin like a scar, etched into it like a tattoo, because that's what it was in my brain - on my brain, drilled into it until you believe it so much that you know there is no other way - no other person - this is it.

I'm not going to drop my heart from the tallest building on a hunch or on a whim that this won't happen again.

So no - I'm not going to take the chance, take the fall, take the jump, leave it up to a leap of faith on a feeling that this may or may not be a record playing on repeat.

I only ever wanted to get married one time. I wanted to be a life-er and yeah if it didn't work out then so be it but I meant the oath and the vow and the words I said before God - they were special, they were scared, they were...

were

I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself to have to go through this (and God Bless you that have done it once already, twice, three times etc.)

Back in the day this wasn't a thing - you worked it out - divorce wasn't the easy out or the first option or an option at all for that matter

And I think out of this whole thing that's what hurt the most is I wanted to do this right - if I didn't get anything else right in my life - I held onto that day, that moment, the life a two would share together "forever" (but even then I forgot forever don't exist - in only lives in fairytales which can be found only within the pages of a book)

This was something I wanted to get right and just like that it was here and gone

POOF

Like a penguin I was a mate for life and that's hard to come by - someone who still lives by the olden days - an old soul

At least now I know I'm going to make sure it's laid out clearly to the next person that I won't be getting married again or engaged so if that's what you're looking for then please keep moving along - no biggie - because that's not me, anymore - that's not what I want anymore - there is no future with me - anything more than that is non-existent

It's a dream, a fantasy

I'm sorry I've always put them before any of my needs, always. And it's time that I just think about my own needs - and this is my own need. And sure, you can still break up, you can still have heartbreak without a ring - but it's a little less complicated, a little less messy than a divorce. And you're certainly not making another promise to God that you just won't keep.

A colleague told me that he hopes I don't turn into one of those women who discover they don't need or want a man around. Completely striking them out of my existence. I always liked being independent, being on my own. I never had a problem being alone. I just never felt like I needed someone. Maybe part of that stems from being an only child. You didn't have another sibling there at night to rely on. It probably helped make me stronger to stand by myself because in the real world when I have to do that, I already know how to. It's something I'm already accustomed to.

Another one told me I'm too much of the whole package to go to waste! HAAAAA! To that I just simply shook my head and laughed. Little do they know I already picture my little life on my own and I don't picture or want anyone else in it honestly. Again they say, "ehh that might be a feeling you have right now, it'll pass." Personally I think it's too much to look forward to, to change it in anyway. Or not give it the full potential of exactly what I want.

I guess the lesson here is when you're going through a breakup or a separation - look to future, see what you want and hold onto it. Keep that vision with you always. And on your worst days pull it out and remind yourself of where you want to go and what you want to do. And on your best days give it a second glance just to put a little smile on your face and an extra pep in your step.

​Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya!