The first day of the last day - volume 1

Today will undoubtedly be one of the hardest days.

Since the band aid is already going to be half off, I made the tough decision that I might as well rip it the rest of the way and get it over with.

Not doing that would have equaled putting another one overtop of the wound only to find out that in the end everything would be processing all at once.

Get as much of the damage done and over with as I could today.

Baby steps.

Just breathe, little one.

I stood in the basement today for the last time.

Still hating the fifth element but knowing that if I would’ve bought this house I would’ve been happy here. I just would’ve done what I already did to hide it away from view.

As I leaned against the pole I pictured our first Christmas. And how much of a struggle it was for you to help me decorate the tree. How it went from something fun and loving in my parents household to being carelessly thrown up just to get it finished in ours.

How connecting the train tracks was the most exciting thing to you.

I picture it - I can see it all as I stand here.

I'm disappointed. 

How this is the last time I’ll see the gray squirrel I named Andy.

The last time I’ll see that red headed wood pecker that’s home is a tree right outside the small bedrooms window.

I wish I could take so many things with me.

If I could pack a Mary Poppins bag I would pack the shelf in my bathroom along with the cabinet in there. The closet in the bedroom. The mantel on the fake side. The cottage lanterns on the fireplace - being that was the only thing I saved from the old house. The fireplace from outside. And of course the kitchen in its entirety.

But that's not possible now is it? Only in my mind. 

I can only take images in my mind and allow them to last for as long as they will. 

I would dig up the tree that Mom and Dad just planted in the front yard. I was going to decorate it for Christmas.

Christmas - a holiday I'm not even celebrating this year.

But oh how sad it would be if next year came around and one of my parents were lost. Knowing that this was their last Christmas and you stole that from them.

And yes I say you - because even though it is my decision not to partake in it - how can I?

So many tell me not to let him take that from me but...

When you stole my happiness? When you drained the light from me? When the joy of the season turns to funeral...it really beats you down and takes it all out of you.

And unless you wore my exact shoes for a day - you have no idea. Sure we all have different variations of this that has happened to another from time to time. But unless you stood in my shoes and walked around in them. Seen what I saw. Felt how I felt. You don't have the slightest clue.

The death of a marriage. The death of two people. Two people we both were. Once.

I took that rock that you probably didn't even notice existed - I saved it when we moved it - it was part of a rock wall - it was shaped like a heart - and I always had it standing outside the wall where all our boots were for decoration.

One day I'll paint it and forget this ever happened and then with time I'll forget I ever met you as I start my new life. 

I kept conversation light tonight, smiled when I could, and laughed when it was appropriate. But how could I behave in the way I really wanted to?

Tonight was...painful...dreadful...another realization of a death that I'll have to mourn and move past.

It was hard to keep it altogether but it was for the best. I knew if I started to cry - I wouldn't stop. And that's a fact.

But I am so incredibly happy for them even though I am dying inside.

She said that this is going to be there forever home - God I remember when we said that - when we thought that. When those were our very words.

That seems like ages ago now.

Those people sitting at that exact table in those exact seats in that exact building don't even exist anymore. They died too.

She praised us for the countertops in the house - all of which I picked out and paid for.

She praised us for the kitchen which I also paid for.

All of course was picked out with thoughts of you - what would be easiest to clean, what you would like, etc. I was simply doing what a wife does...planning the future and all of our needs that would come.

And although it was a kind gesture for the man at the end to give us a box of cookies and two mugs - that was my breaking point.

In the end - out of all of this - that's how it ends.

That's what I get...a mug...

That's not what I wanted - no offense but I didn't want any of this and it's so unfair. How one person can pull the rug from underneath of you and ruin you. Someone you trusted - someone you believed in. I wouldn't have wasted my time if I would've thought for one second that you would be the one to let me down.

So yeah...not exactly how I pictured our life but...I guess you had other plans that no one else was in on but you...

And people can say whatever they want but they don't have a ******* clue - they just think they know - but it's all one sided of course. And of course all of your people would side with you just like mine would side with me. But would they if they knew? If they knew the whole truth? And nothing but the truth? So help you God.

Alas

Thank you for turning the lights on - it would've killed me inside to see the place go back to being dark and sad.

I couldn't have taken much more.

The poor man even congratulated us...for reasons he didn't know...

Although the process was simple - this whole situation is a shit show honestly.

Now the only words that ring through my head are this:

I gave you forever
You gave a month

God if that's not the story of my life right now.

And so

On the anniversary of my Grandpap's death - I signed away the last piece of us - and the first document was filed for divorce signing away the last piece of me.

But yeah...that's how my day went in a nutshell. How was your day my friend? Hopefully a little better.

Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya!