Was it embarrassment or shame?

I remember waking up this morning – too early for human life – the only difference is that my mother was up.

We exchanged a few sleepy words like I love you and be careful and who could forget the usual reminder to watch for deer.

The other difference was when my alarm initially went off – I automatically knew something bad was going to happen today. I told my mother this on my way out the door and to that she asked me if I had an idea of what it could be. Probably deer I told her. Many times, when I have this feeling it’s because I almost hit one of them.
 
One day my almost will run out.
 
“Have you called anyone about your accident ma’am?” the polite officer who had stopped to check on me asked.

“No, I haven’t,” I said looking off into the distance. Usually, I liked the dark but this morning it made me feel alone and vulnerable more than anything.

“Is there someone that I may call for you ma’am?” he asked gently.

“No there isn’t officer…my parents are asleep and although they’d want me to call and wake them at a time like this, I can’t bring myself to do it. The thought of waking them up when they get such little sleep saddens me.”

“Is there no one else ma’am?” he asked once more. "Boyfriend, fiancé, husband?"

“My husband wants a divorce…” I told him – barely loud enough to hear myself speak the words. “And although we are still technically married…I know he doesn’t care enough about me anymore for me to bother him with such foolishness. Alas – there is no one else. I am alone.”

“For your safety I’d suggest you get back in your car and I’ll wait next to you in mine until the tow truck arrives.” There was a sadness in his eyes that I would’ve missed if I had blinked. He – who I could add to the list of names who felt bad for me - pitied me and looked at me with that “look.” I appreciated his kindness, but I was in no state to acknowledge it.
 
There was a Tesla in the slow lane – swaying side to side on the road and leaving off the gas as much as they put the pressure on it.

The inconsistency scared me, especially since I had been following them since home. I finally decided I was patient enough and I would pass them…not knowing then that would be my biggest mistake.
 
Just as I passed the car and switched my turn signal on to let them know I would be merging in front of them – I looked to my side mirror then straight ahead once more and there it was.

A massive deer that took up the entire fast lane. A fresh hit who was completely untouched.

Just like that I was instantly transported to another car. Here I was sitting passenger side again with no time to react. The only thing that I did was tried to keep the car as straight as possible to hit it dead center and gasp as my hand flew off the wheel and onto my mouth.
 
I was at the mercy of whatever would happen next…would my check engine light come on? Would my car now start smoking? Would the temperature begin to rise? Would my tire pressure drop? Would I hear screeching against the pavement as the parts underneath my car hung lower than an old man's sack...do excuse me that was probably crude but nevertheless not untrue, I'm sure. 
 
I’ll never forget that day…today was almost the spitting image of it.
 
Our first car ride together since mentioning the divorce. Us hitting a deer. And you telling everyone the story as if you were the only person in the car. Because you didn’t want to cause any issues being that I was in the vehicle with you…whatever that meant…I still don’t know, and I’ll never know. Nor do I care to.
 
The only thing that was obvious – that most of us women have felt at one point in time or another, was that in that moment I had gone from wife to non-existent. I was no one. I wasn’t a person. I wasn’t even a person riding in a car. It was as if you had gone through the trauma all by yourself. How quickly someone who was once the biggest part of your life dissolves away entirely like the spirit of a ghost. 
 
I don’t even think you asked me if I was okay that day after it happened…but that’s ok…I probably wouldn’t have admitted it anyway.
 
And who was the one who came to get us?
 
Because they hated the idea of leaving you on the side of the road in the pitch dark – early hours of the morning – in the cold – with no running car?
 
Need I say more?
 
They drove the forty-five minutes to pick us and up and bring us home…even after you had broken their heart and mine…
 
However, that didn’t happen this time…I called no one…and no one was with me.
 
I was alone – in the dark – in the night – in the cold.
 
If I could tell you a couple things folks – it would be...keep your eyes on the lookout for deer, watch your bends, and your hills – slow down before you get to them. What happened if there would’ve been a person there instead of a deer? Did you ever think of that?
 
What if I would’ve merged my car over as far off the road as I could and had gotten out for some unknown reason and someone came flying up over the hill – without a moment to react – striking me. It takes a split second for an accident to occur.

Just remember that.

In that half a second that you take your off of the road – you’re taking a risk.
 
Stay safe out there && as always, I appreciate ya!